One of the struggles in a large family is seeing and treating each child as an individual, rather than a collective mass of partially-clothed-fruit-snack-eating-furniture-destroying-monsters. It's hard to do this, because so much of my day is spent in issuing group orders and group requests, and organizing this collective mass so that we can have some semblance of peace and order in the home, and hopefully end the day with most of the furniture still intact.
And yet... they are individuals, each a unique person made in the image of God! As they get older we are trying to intentionally plan time where just one parent and one child can be together in some way, to show them that we care for them, to give them our attention, and to listen carefully to what they might want to say. Here's a few ways that have worked for us so far - I'd love to hear any others that you might have to add!
Individual Dates
We don't have a super-specific plan in how we go about this, but Dear Husband and I try to each take a child on a date approximately once a month. If we are consistent about this, with four kids that means that each child would get a date every other month or 6 times a year. Sometimes it involves spending money, sometimes it doesn't - even just a walk through the woods feels special without their siblings around! - but without fail the kids love it, and it's so good for us too to give them our undivided attention. Sometimes they talk a lot, sometimes they don't - and that's okay. I am trusting that if we create the habit, and show them that we value our relationship with them, they will feel comfortable talking when it is needed.
Special Late Bedtime
This just started recently and it has been a HIT. I mean, come on, you get to stay up late AND do something fun with mom or dad by yourself? Doesn't get much better than that! On a few nights lately we have done our normal bedtime routine - wash up, pjs on, Daddy reads from a chapter book - and then one child gets to come back downstairs with mom and dad while his brothers go to sleep. Then we have spent about 20-30 minutes playing a board game or reading together before sending him back to bed for the night. The few times we have done this they have talked about it for DAYS afterwards, so we will definitely be continuing it in the future! Note: our kids' bedtimes tend to be early, so if you are on a later schedule this might not work so well. But I feel like an 8pm bedtime instead of 7:30pm is definitely doable every so often.
Weekend Errands
This is not quite as "fun" as the above ideas, but when Dear Husband or I have weekend errands to run we will usually ask the kids if anyone wants to come along. They don't always want to, depending on how grand their play-schemes are for the day, but if they do, it's a nice chance to chat without the cacophony of three other little voices.
When we first starting trying these ideas, I worried that it would be difficult because most of them are cutting into my own quiet down time. However, I've realized that a) it's absolutely worth it, and b) I really really enjoy it. Caring for and listening to and teaching four children all day long is exhausting, but spending time with one child is not. It's actually quite pleasant to talk to that child and notice how their personality is developing and find out what's on their mind. I may be a little biased, but I think all of our children are fascinating little people and I just really like being with them. Weird, I know! Time alone together renews my appreciation for them and eases any tension that may have built up during the day.
Our kids need alone time with us to know that they are being seen and heard, and we need alone time with them so that we don't forget what interesting little individuals they are. If you haven't tried it I'd definitely recommend it! Anything we can do to invest in our relationships with these children is worth the time, every single time.
Comments