My son is different.
You probably can't tell just by looking at him, but he always has been. We've wondered, guessed, suspected for quite some time, but only recently was it confirmed to be true by a Professional and written down on an Official Report. I now have a thick set of papers in my hands that tells me exactly how Different he is and what we are supposed to do about it. It is slightly disconcerting that an entire, complex, unique, fascinating little person can be summarized in just a few pages of neatly-typed analysis; but of course he can't, really. All that the papers have done is to spell out the specific ways in which he stands out from the rest of Normal Society.
We are relieved to have our concerns validated and grateful to be given more information about his specific challenges. However, I am still saddened as I think of the difficulties he has faced already and all that is yet to come. We haven't even hit middle school yet! Or high school! Or the teenage hormones! I have to keep my focus just on the day and the child in front of me; we are given grace sufficient for this day, not for the myths and fears of a far-off future. Maybe you can sympathize - maybe you have a unique child of your own.
Differences come in many shapes and sizes; our label happens to be "autism spectrum," and part of me is grateful that it's this and not something else. He's healthy and growing and I praise God for that; I know it really can't be compared to severe disabilities or life-threatening illnesses. Still, this is not the way that any parent imagines their parenting life to go - and thus there is a sense of loss as we learn to accept that he will always be a little quirky, he won't "grow out of it," and he'll always have more struggles than a normal kid would. At the same time, autism is so much a part of who he is that it is impossible to - and I wouldn't want to - imagine him without it.
We are only beginning to understand what this means. We have so much to learn, so much we don't know, and so much we want to help him with that it can easily feel overwhelming. I've read a few books and even that is not always helpful because within this spectrum, every individual child is so... different! I imagine I will be writing more about it in the future and perhaps sharing stories if my son gives me permission to do so. This is a sensitive issue and it is mainly his story to tell, not mine, so I want to respect his privacy. However, I do want to share a brief encouragement today to any others who might be in the same boat: if you're considering it, if you're drawn to the idea, don't be afraid to try homeschooling a neurodivergent - a different - child. Every situation is unique and there's no guarantees it would be best for everyone, but it's been an excellent choice for us so far. Maybe it would work for you too! Here are a few observations from our experience.
Benefits to Homeschooling When Your Child is Different
No teasing or bullying. This alone is huge. I know for a fact that if he were in public school, our son would have experienced this already - probably quite a lot. There's no getting around the fact that he is a little weird (sometimes a lot weird), kids can be cruel, and I know that bullying is much more common than we would like to imagine. Granted, we are still around other kids at our church and homeschool group, so it absolutely could still happen there, but at least the majority of his time is spent with family members who know and love him. In these social situations with his peers he tends to stick out like a sore thumb, but no one has yet made fun of him for that and I am so grateful. I may be biased but I think homeschoolers tend to be just a little more compassionate and a little more understanding than the average child. Perhaps it is a result of spending time with many children (and adults) of various ages and abilities, rather than being confined to peers of their exact age - which, when you stop and think about it, is a fairly unnatural situation that will never again be replicated after college.
A calmer and more relaxed learning environment. Our son is easily overstimulated and has a hard time dealing with large groups of people or continually noisy environments. I know he would struggle to focus in a school setting, given the constant stimulation of all the sights and sounds and interruptions. The more stimulating his environment, the higher his stress level - and stress is not conducive to learning. Now, it's certainly not silent here at home with four siblings, but it is a familiar environment and he can shut himself away in a quiet room if he needs to (and he usually does his schoolwork in a room by himself).
More flexibility in schedule and location. Again, we have great control over the schedule, location, and environment in which our son does his school work. He can sit at the dining room table with the rest of us, or lie down on his bed, or on the floor, or wherever he feels comfortable. If the morning is not going well, we can stop completely and pick it up again in the evening. We can read outside on the grass or munch crackers and cheese while doing our math. Because he loves his routine so much he almost always follows the same pattern - he takes his pile of books and pencils to our guest room, closes the door and lies down on the bed and works on his assignments for the day. There he has quiet and privacy and the ability to focus on the books he is reading, and he loves it! However, there are some days where we need to adjust the schedule, and at home it's so easy to do so. If he is struggling, we can stop and take a break anytime. Maybe he needs a snack or fresh air or just a mental break - we can do as much of that as needed. This combination of routine and flexibility has served him very well so far and he is at or exceeding his grade level in every subject.
Freedom to follow your child's interests and maximize their strengths. He has many, many strengths and I pray that we never lose sight of those. Because our time is used more efficiently than is possible in a larger classroom, all our children have hours of free time each day to read or draw or play or create whatever they might be interested in. Homeschooling makes it easy to follow rabbit trails wherever your child's interest leads them, or give them time to study their passion, or encourage and strengthen whatever their particular gift might be. I wonder if this might be even more important for a child who is "different," because as they get older they will probably begin to see their differences and perhaps be discouraged with all the challenges they have in areas that are easy for other children. They, especially, might need the time to follow their passions and be encouraged in their strengths. Of course, we all have strengths in some area and I hope to encourage all my children to see their gifts, value them, praise God for them, and use them for good in this world!
Downsides to Homeschooling When Your Child is Different
It can be harder for them to find and practice peer interactions. As thankful as I am for my son's siblings and all of the social interactions that he is able to practice with them, we are realizing that siblings are still not the same as peers - and that he needs practice with actual peers who are not in our family. This might be easier to work out in a school setting. However, it's certainly not impossible with homeschooling and we are immensely grateful for our Classical Conversations friends, church friends, and the other opportunities we have for socializing in our community. Opportunities abound for homeschoolers and isolation is neither necessary nor normal.
You may not be able to access the free therapies available in the public schools. Every state is different in this regard. In our state, we can get an evaluation for free from our local school but no therapies. We don't yet know which therapies we might choose for him and how much they will cost, but I could see how this could be problematic and will be something we will have to consider in the future.
You may not "catch it" or get a diagnosis as quickly as you would if they were spending time in school. I have thought about this quite a bit during the past year. If our son were in public school, my guess is that a teacher would probably have noticed his quirks and had him evaluated about 1-2 years before we actually did. Is that a big deal? Would he be much better off if we had started some therapy two years ago? Maybe, but again I would have to weigh that against the environmental and mental stress he would deal with in school all day - and I'm not sure, even now, that I would change that decision.
Very few breaks for mom. This is not a huge issue for us right now, but I can see how if your child had a more severe disability you might desperately need the break of having them in school during the day. We do occasionally have meltdowns in public (so far just him, not me, haha), which have been manageable, but I could imagine if this was worse that I would need someone else caring for him at times so that I could run errands in peace and not add additional stress to both of our lives.
Finally, if you're not homeschooling or don't have a different child of your own or this story isn't relevant to you, I would ask you to at least keep it in the back of your mind the next time you see a child screaming in the grocery store. It's possible that maybe that mom isn't a bad parent, maybe that child doesn't need a good smack on the rear (I've been guilty of both these thoughts too); instead, maybe his brain is wired differently and that mom just needs a word of encouragement. It's quite possible, and a little compassion never hurt anyone. Not to say, of course, that thoughtful parenting and consistent consequences don't help everyone because they absolutely do - but generally speaking, that stranger at the store has no idea what's really going on with my child and I can't truly know what's going on with their child.
Every child is a blessing. Every. Single. One. No matter how they were conceived, no matter where they were born, no matter the color of their skin, no matter how different they might be. God allowed our son to be different in this way, and I believe God has a purpose and plan for his life; we just don't know yet what that is or what his path will look like.
The evaluator who worked with our son this fall wrote down a list of steps to take at home. They are practical and useful, and I appreciate her help, but I would have added a few more.
"Love him unconditionally.
Be his biggest cheerleader.
Show him how big his God is.
Pray for patience.
Pray for wisdom."
We'll start there.
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